What's an AP Test?

You know that feeling when you're taking a test, and you can just tell that you are KILLIN' it? With every word you write, or every bubble you fill in, you think "daaaamn girl, you got this shiz on lock." When you have a slight smile to yourself thinking how bad you'll feel for all the other kids after you set the curve high? And then, the blissful moment when you leave the room feeling like you're glowing, and like all the fellow test takers are envious of your obvious success...

That's not how my AP test went today.

In fact, the opposite happened, really. 

With every word I wrote I thought "daaaaamn girl, did you learn anything in this class?" And I had a slight smile on my face, which turned to an out loud laugh, when thinking about how it will go for myself when comparing scores with all the other kids that are good at math. And then, that melancholy moment when I leave the room feeling like I am sweating, and like the fellow test takers are sympathetic for the obvious beating I just took...

#aptestsinanutshell

The aftershock.

Real Talk

I have never had so many emotions in such a small amount of time.

I am feeling stressed, overwhelmed, anxious, excited, sad, and nervous.

I am stressed out by school.

I am stressed about the fact that I have a hard AP test on Wednesday, and that I have grades I need to keep up - during the hardest stretch of time as my high school years come to an end. I am stressed that I feel like I have aaaaaaabout a million things to do in these last three weeks of school. I am stressed out thinking about waking up for classes next year (that damn snooze button is always the death of me). 

I feel overwhelmed by the amount of loose ends I have to tie up in three weeks.

I feel overwhelmed thinking about not having my best friends around, and having to make new friends. I am overwhelmed thinking about having to fend for myself for everything next year, and having all my everything be up to me.

I am anxious to go to college. 

I am anxious to see where it takes me, and what I find interest in. I am anxious to see how all my friends do, and to watch them grow. I am anxious to see what kind of a person I am going to be by the end of my first year of college, and how similar, different, or the very same I am. 

I am excited to start a new chapter.

I am excited to be introduced into a completely new and exciting world. I am excited to meet new people. I am excited to try new things, see new things, think about new things, and do new things. 

I am sad to leave the people and everything I know.

I am sad to not see my best friends everyday. The people I love. I am sad that everything I am used to, and things I have come to enjoy, are all going to change. I am sad that some of the greatest people I know will be great distances from me. I am sad when thinking about the fact that everyone is probably going to think I am so bizarre that I will make zero friends. I am sad to think I won't have an endless coffee budget. I am sad to think about doing homework some more. I am sad to think about not having a comfy bed and big house to spend time in. I am sad to leave.

I am nervous to do this.

I am nervous that everything will be way more stressful, overwhelming, exciting, and nerve-racking than I thought. I am nervous to fail. I am nervous to leave. I am nervous to even think...

I am stroveranxexsadous (stro-ver-anx-exs-ad-ous)

Chapter 17 : Senior in High School

As the school year is coming to an end, I am realizing what is important. And it's not anything that I used to believe was. 

I am starting to see that a lot of things are going to be coming to an end. 

I am no longer going to be able to see my best friends everyday. The people that I use as the very stone to keep me standing when I feel I am going to fall, the people to feed me courage when I have none, the  people who make me laugh when all I have in me is tears, and the ones who give me a reason to like myself. They have been the people, without fail, to keep my head up - always. I have never been so tightly embraced while crying, more praised when succeeding, or more protected when fighting than I have been from these girls. Now, how am I supposed to be anything without them?

I am also never going to be in Canterbury Belles again. The group that I dreamt about being a part of since the 4th grade. I am never going to stand in the choir room with 15 other girls, while making music together that touches all our hearts. I am never going to look over at Destiny or Faith when we lock the chord and smile. I am never going to see Kelsey amaze me with her presence and poise. I am never going to look at Jessica and start to tear up when, without speaking, we talk about how much we're going to miss each other. I am never going to giggle to Ashley and Savannah when we can't always remember the words to Symphonic Choir songs. I am never going to hear Errin's contagious and wonderful laugh while she does my hair before concerts. I am never going to see Michelle Larson do her cute little shrug when she laughs. I will never going to share music with Michelle Tatko, and have to stop singing because I am laughing too hard at her voice cracking. I am never going to be able to get my back cracked by Corinna. I am never going to be able to smile at Heidi and laugh at her over exaggerated impressions. I am never going to be able to see Rauha laugh so hard and pee a little in her dress. I am never going to be able to see Elisa right across from me, focused and happy. I am never going to be able to hug Alina when I walk in, and smirk at each other when we make up notes and accidentally sing them. I am never going to peer over at Katie at the end of Gaudete (everytime). I am never going to spend my time with 15 girls who bring out the side of me that I love the best.

I will no longer be able to go grab money from my dad. Seriously, this is really sad.

A lot of things are ending. But, my relationships with all these people will not. Everyone I love will forever be in my heart.

But wow, why does it have to feel this sad?